Lottery

Ideally, I think it would have been nice to have gotten some work done in the four hours I've been sitting here trying to learn how to sleep with my eyes open. ...As creepy as I think that is, there are too many people around the office for me to get away with napping under the desk. God willing, I'll have all this done by tomorrow afternoon. I disapprove of how auxiliary things are interminably put-off as new work, with sooner deadlines, arises. Things like building a résumé and ordering new contacts and researching for long-term projects and filling out W-2 forms... and sometimes sleeping or eating.... these things are on hiatus. Permanently?
...That one kid owes me money.
I can't wait till spring.
My grandmother used to say, "Don't wish your life away!" but in my opinion, it makes things go faster. Which we both acknowledge is exactly the point. We just view it differently. I think it would be to my benefit to pass through some parts of life more quickly than others.

Let's go to Virginia Beach. I think it would be wonderful! A change of scenery... a break. It would be warmer. Pleasant. We would have fun. It wouldn't be warm enough to swim, but we could go out to the bars, maybe see a movie... I don't know what we would do, but I know it's what we need. We just need to get out of these dark, moldy basements. I would very much like to take some leave from the war against ants. I've stayed on the Front too long. ...And how I now hate the ants.

I was recently in conversation with a friend, and I noted how disappointed I was that I no longer had any desire to rule the world. I said that it was the only thing I was suited for.
...I wasn't lying.
It was the only thing I was suited for, and now I'm not suited for anything...
That's what I said. And I still believe it. There was a time when I was the mafia, and the C.E.O. and the hero, and the sidekick. I was very powerful once... but I am no longer these things. Now, I don't know what to do with myself. It was easy when I was incredible. I could have done anything. But I lack the same will I used to have. I can still do anything, but I can't do it for myself anymore. I need someone to tell me to do it, and then I will do it for them. I don't know what I want for myself anymore. And once, when it was very clear to me, I knew everything. I had my life planned out to the most miniscule details. But I don't care anymore. I want a house someday, and a family. I want a job somewhere, and a paycheck. I want a résumé and a pair of cowboy boots. I want the time to soak my infected earring in saline solution... because it really hurts, but I have to attend to the more immediate things that keep coming without any breaks. But again with the hiatus.

I think I miss my phone that has the button that pauses time. That can come in handy, you know.