Knowing.

My brother celebrated his birthday recently. I love my brother! I have some really great memories of him. And he is such a good person.. a much better person than I think I could ever be. I have bad memories, too, mostly from when we were children, and he used to tease me so horribly! But that's normal, of course. Sometimes I wish he and I could be closer. There's still time, I suppose, but we're both young now, and it would be fun to have a friendlier relationship in that context. His friends like me, and they try to include me in things from time to time -- I wonder how it would be if I were more involved in their group. They are all good people.

My very favorite memory of my brother is when we were teenagers. Sometimes on Sundays our parents would go to church early but let us sleep in. When we were awake Mom would tell us to go to the afternoon Mass. So, Johnny and I would get dressed and get in the car, and go to get bagels. And we would park the car somewhere and sit and eat bagels and talk for about an hour until church should be out. Sometimes we would go there just to get a bulletin as proof that we "went," and we would run into other kids we knew doing the same thing. Sometimes we'd talk about God, but not all the time. Even if we didn't... I never minded, and I don't think He did either, because John and I were spending good time together and bonding. ...It was nice.

I think my greatest weakness is my lack of faith. Sure, I have my own spiritual beliefs (however unorthodox) -- that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about faith in general. Faith in other people, faith in the future, faith in my own actions and decisions... If I really believed, if I really had faith, that everything was going to work out alright, then maybe I wouldn't be such a mess all the time. If I really believed in myself, then maybe I would take a chance once in a while, and it would pay off. ...But I'm too scared of the "what if's." I'm too scared of not getting what I want.. of not being happy. And I hate hate not knowing what would have been. I don't want to miss a really prize opportunity. Even if I tried something and it didn't work out, at least I would know.

But it is not my place to.